Assertiveness: Alternatives for Expressing Anger, Part 1

Use the Homework Packet to complete the exercises for this lesson.

Assertiveness Training

Assertiveness involves a set of behaviors and skills that require time and practice to learn and master. In this program, we focus on one important aspect of assertiveness training, that is, conflict resolution. The Conflict Resolution Model can be particularly effective for helping individuals manage their anger.

Many interpersonal conflicts occur when you feel that your rights have been violated. Before entering anger management treatment, you may have tended to respond with aggressive behavior when you believed that another person showed you disrespect or violated your rights. In this lesson, we will discuss several ways to resolve interpersonal conflicts without resorting to aggression.

As discussed in the first lesson, aggression is behavior that is intended to cause harm or injury to another person or damage property. This behavior can include verbal abuse, threats, or violent acts. Often, when another person has violated your rights, your first reaction is to fight back or retaliate. The basic message of aggression is that my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important and that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are unimportant and inconsequential.

One alternative to using aggressive behavior is to act passively or in a nonassertive manner. Acting in a passive or nonassertive way is undesirable because you allow your rights to be violated. You may resent the person who violated your rights, and you may also be angry with yourself for not standing up for your rights. In addition, it is likely that you will become even more angry the next time you encounter this person. The basic message of passivity is that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, but my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are unimportant and inconsequential. Acting in a passive or nonassertive way may help you avoid the negative consequences associated with aggression, but it may also ultimately lead to negative personal consequences, such as diminished self-esteem, and prevent you from having your needs satisfied.

From an anger management perspective, the best way to deal with a person who has violated your rights is to act assertively. Acting assertively involves standing up for your rights in a way that is respectful of other people. The basic message of assertiveness is that my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, and that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are equally important. By acting assertively, you can express your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs to the person who violated your rights without suffering the negative consequences associated with aggression or the devaluation of your feelings, which is associated with passivity or nonassertion.

It is important to emphasize that assertive, aggressive, and passive responses are learned behaviors; they are not innate, unchangeable traits. By practicing the Conflict Resolution Model, you can learn to develop assertive responses that will allow you to manage interpersonal conflicts in a more effective way.

In summary, aggression involves expressing feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a harmful and disrespectful way. Passivity or nonassertiveness involves failing to express feelings, thoughts, and beliefs or expressing them in an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard. Assertiveness involves standing up for your rights and expressing feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways that do not violate the rights of others or show disrespect.

It is helpful to think of real-life situations to help you understand what is meant by assertiveness. Suppose you have been attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting several times a week with a friend. Suppose you have been driving your friend to these meetings for several weeks. In the last few days, however, he has not been ready when you have come to pick him up. His tardiness has resulted in both of you being late for meetings. Because you value being on time, this is something that bothers you a great deal. Consider the different ways you might act in this situation. You can behave in an aggressive manner by yelling at your friend for being late and refusing to pick him up in the future. The disadvantage of this response is that he may no longer want to continue the friendship. Another response would be to act passively, or in a nonassertive fashion, by ignoring the problem and not expressing how you feel. The disadvantage of this response is that the problem will most likely continue and that this will inevitably lead to feelings of resentment toward your friend. Again, from an anger management perspective, the best way to deal with this problem is to act assertively by expressing your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a direct and honest manner, while respecting the rights of your friend.